Leading Consciously in Chaotic Times: Step Outside the Drama Triangle
- Dr. Sam Crowe
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
The world feels extra right now. We've been treading (and sometimes drowning in) messy waters for a while, but somehow, the waves keep getting bigger. Disruption is constant, fear keeps our hearts lurching, and the impact seeps into every corner of our lives—including the workplace.
At work, we’ve gone from the chronic stress of nonstop firefighting and pivoting to utter overwhelm and befuddlement comas from relentless chaos. And let’s be real—in the chaos, we don’t always bring our best selves to work. Some weeks, our metaphorical bad hair days outnumber the good ones. We miscommunicate, shut down, overreact, or slip into dysfunctional patterns. It’s the perfect storm for eroding trust, spiraling conflicts, and shipwrecking teams.
Before we know it, we (and those around us) steer straight into Karpman’s Drama Triangle—a psychological dynamic where destructive conflict thrives, and meaningful engagement takes a backseat to blame, burnout, and frustration.
What Is the Drama Triangle?
Dr. Stephen Karpman introduced the Drama Triangle in 1968 as a model for dysfunctional social interactions. It consists of three roles:
The Victim – Feels powerless, at the mercy of others or circumstances. Acts as a spectator rather than a participant.
Messages: I’m too exhausted or overwhelmed to navigate this. I have no choice. This isn’t fair. There’s nothing I can do. Someone needs to fix this for me. (Under-functioning)
The Hero – Seeks temporary relief, stepping in as a fixer or rescuer.
Messages: I’ll fix it for you (even if you didn’t ask me to). I must help you (because you can’t help yourself). I need to protect my people. I’ve got it all under control. (Over-functioning)
The Villain – Blames or shames self or others, acting as a persecutor.
Messages: Why is everyone so terrible at their job? I’m a screw-up. They are so incompetent. This is their fault.
If you're human, you've been in the Drama Triangle—whether you realized it or not. You've played one or more of its roles, and chances are, you will again. And that's okay.
You're not alone. We’re right here with you.
Why Do We Get Stuck in the Drama Triangle?
Chaos brings uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. At its core, it makes us feel vulnerable. And when we feel vulnerable, our first instinct isn’t to take a deep breath and lean into curiosity, creativity, and connection. Nope. Our first instinct is to protect ourselves.
Dr. Brené Brown calls this "armoring up"—shielding ourselves with defensiveness, control, blame, people-pleasing, or avoidance. Armor may feel safe in the moment, but in reality, it keeps us locked in the Drama Triangle.
So, how do we break free? By cultivating the awareness, skills, and practices that allow us to shift toward curiosity, connection, courage, and an above-the-line mindset—even when it’s uncomfortable. (Especially when it’s uncomfortable.)
Are You in the Drama Triangle? (Self-Awareness Check-In)
The first step in breaking free from the Drama Triangle is self-awareness. Are you caught inside the triangle or operating outside of it? Are you unconsciously playing the role of villain, victim, or hero? Are you positioning the problem between yourself and others, or are you inviting collaboration to face it together?
Ask yourself these questions:
Victim Mode:
Do I feel like something is happening to me rather than just happening?
Am I blaming external circumstances or others for my emotions or struggles?
Am I thinking, Why does this always happen to me?
Am I waiting for someone else to step in and fix things for me?
Hero Mode:
Do I feel responsible for solving other people’s problems?
Am I stepping in to “save” others, even when they don’t ask for help?
Do I feel exhausted from taking on too much?
Am I avoiding my own challenges by focusing on others?
Villain Mode:
Am I frustrated with people who just don’t get it?
Do I use criticism, judgment, or control to try to “fix” the situation?
Am I quick to point out what others are doing wrong?
Am I stuck in self-blame or shame?
Remember, we all slip into the Drama Triangle sometimes. That’s part of being human. The key is self-compassion—beating yourself up will only keep you stuck longer.
The Drama Triangle vs. The Empowerment Dynamic
Once we’re aware of our patterns, we can choose a different path. The Empowerment Dynamic (TED), developed by David Emerald (2009), offers an alternative framework focused on solutions rather than dysfunction.
Drama Triangle Role | TED Alternative | Empowering Shift |
Victim | Creator | What can I control? How can I exercise agency and self-leadership? What do I choose? |
Hero | Coach | How can I support others without taking over? Where am I over-functioning at the expense of others’ growth or accountability? |
Villain | Challenger | What lessons can be learned here? How can I challenge myself in a way that fosters accountability instead of blame? |
This shift moves us from reacting emotionally to responding intentionally.
Moving Above the Line
Another helpful framework is from The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, which describes two ways of showing up:
Below the Line – Reactive, defensive, blaming, avoiding responsibility (Drama Triangle territory).
Above the Line – Conscious, curious, accountable, and solutions-focused (Drama Triangle exit ramp).
We’re all hardwired to go below the line. No shame in that. But the more we practice shifting above the line, the easier it gets.
How to Shift Above the Line:
Pause & Name It
Recognizing and saying, “I’m below the line and feeling some tough emotions,” is key to breaking the cycle (“name it to tame it”).
Get Present Through Breath & Mindfulness
Try simple breathwork (like box breathing) to regulate your nervous system and refocus. Or if breathwork isn’t the right fit for you, find a micro-mindfulness practice that serves you well.
Challenge Your Stories & Beliefs
Ask yourself powerful questions. These can serve as shift-inducing curiosity starters and lifelines when we’re below the line: What’s the story I’m telling myself? What else could be true? What’s my role in this? What else might be possible?
Reframe Your Role
Rewrite your internal script:
“This isn’t fair” → “What can I control here?” (Victim → Creator)
“I have to fix this” → “How can I support others in finding solutions?” (Hero → Coach)
“Why is everyone incompetent?” → “How can I set clear expectations and feedback?” (Villain → Challenger)
Final Thought
Let’s be real, the chaos is going to continue. We’ll have good days, hard days, and “What on earth!?” days.
In this reality, we can armor up, blame, control, or withdraw—or we can lean in, take ownership, and show up with courage. We can stay stuck in the Drama Triangle—or we can move above the line and create something better.
This isn’t about perfection. Expecting perfection is both unfair and a stealth portal to below the line. It’s about awareness, small shifts, and a willingness to try where and when it matters most—even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy.
What Do You Want to Take With You?
Where have you or your team fallen into the Drama Triangle?
What role(s) do you tend to default to?
What’s one small step you can take to shift above the line when conflict arises?
Deepen Your Learning & Expand Your Tools:
Primary Sources:
Karpman, Stephen. Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 1968.
Emerald, David. The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic). Polaris Publishing, 2009.
Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, and Kaley Warner Klemp. The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership. 2014
At SZH Consulting, we partner with your leaders to help them break free from gridlock and lead with intention—even in the midst of chaos. Through customized coaching, immersive workshops, and hands-on support, we guide executives to gain clarity, make confident decisions, and inspire their teams to move forward. If you’re ready to unlock your leaders’ potential and navigate uncertainty with purpose, let’s connect!